How I Learned To Keep My Composure In Tough Situations 

Imagine standing at the pinnacle of your career, having achieved a coveted spot in the MIT Executive MBA program, only to be blindsided by one damaging piece of anonymous feedback in a 360 leadership evaluation: 

“Angelique needs to stop acting like a petulant child!” 

Angry and embarrassed, my first reaction was to ignore it.

When my MIT-sponsored executive coach, who was reviewing all of my leadership assessment data, asked if I wanted to address it,  I said, “No.”

The anonymous evaluator wasn’t so anonymous. His use of British spelling made it obvious. “I know who wrote that. He just has it out for me,” I said.  

But the more I thought about it, the more I had to admit there might be some truth to his comments.  

A few months later, I brought it up.

“You know what? I think there might be something to this feedback. Sometimes I get so frustrated at work that I roll my eyes or huff in exasperation.” 

While I think it is OK to get frustrated at work, I don’t like having these visible reactions that make me seem like I’m not in control of my emotions. And if I’m honest, in those moments, I don’t feel like I’m in control of my emotions, either.

“I can see how these reactions leave a negative impression on my colleagues, so I would like to spend some time working on it.”

So we did. 

And it changed everything.

With my coach’s help, I was able to hone my ability to regulate my emotions and reclaim control even in the toughest of situations. 

I took what she taught me, and I put it into a step-by-step process that I call The Poker Face Playbook.

Whether you roll your eyes, yell, slam doors, or burst into tears, uncontrolled displays of emotion can hinder your ability to feel confident and your ability to appear confident.

Leaders need both, so if you struggle to keep your composure, keep reading.

In this newsletter, you’ll learn:

1. Why regulating emotions is important for leaders.
2. The Poker Face Playbook: 6 steps to keeping your composure in tough situations.
3. Common situations when the Poker Face Playbook might be useful.

Why Regulating Emotions is Important for Leaders.

We’ve all had experiences with leaders who don’t manage their emotions well.  

Maybe you’ve been in meetings where a leader loses their temper, raises their voice, or displays aggressive behavior. 

Maybe you’ve been in meetings where the team decides not to share potentially “negative” information to avoid such outbursts.  

Maybe you have an emerging leader on your team who bursts into tears when you give them negative feedback and you worry that they won’t be successful if you suggest they be promoted. 

Or maybe you are the leader in question and you manage to make it through the day only to “snap” when you get home and regret what you say to your family.

No matter the situation that speaks to you most, you already have a sense that not managing emotions as a leader can have significant consequences, both for you as the leader and for your organization. 

Here are a few additional common consequences:

1. Reduced Decision-Making Effectiveness. Emotions can cloud judgment and lead to impulsive decision-making. Leaders who don’t manage their emotions may make decisions based on short-term emotional reactions rather than long-term strategic considerations, leading to suboptimal outcomes.

2. Decreased Team Morale and Engagement. Leaders who display erratic or volatile emotions can create a negative work environment that undermines morale and diminishes team cohesion. Employees may feel demotivated, anxious, or disengaged when working under a leader who cannot manage their emotions effectively.

3. Loss of Credibility and Trust. Leaders who cannot regulate their emotions may be perceived as unprofessional, unpredictable, or unreliable. This can erode trust and credibility both within the organization and among external stakeholders, such as clients, partners, and investors.

4. Increased Employee Turnover.  A hostile or emotionally volatile work environment can drive talented employees to seek opportunities elsewhere. High turnover rates can disrupt team dynamics, hinder continuity, and incur significant costs associated with recruitment and training.

5. Stifled Innovation and Creativity. Fear of negative repercussions from an emotionally unstable leader can stifle innovation and creativity within an organization. Employees may hesitate to take risks or propose novel ideas if they fear criticism or retribution.

6. Health and Well-being Impacts. Constantly experiencing and reacting to intense emotions can take a toll on a leader’s physical and mental health. Chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout are common consequences of unmanaged emotions, which can ultimately impair a leader’s ability to perform effectively.

7. Missed Opportunities for Growth and Development. Leaders who are unable to manage their emotions may struggle to recognize and learn from their mistakes. This can hinder personal and professional growth, as well as limit opportunities for learning and improvement.

Alright, I’m sure you get it: effective leadership requires the ability to regulate one’s emotions to foster a positive and productive work environment. 

So what do you do it?

The Poker Face Playbook.

The following 6-steps will guide you through the process of identifying your most common emotionally triggering situations and developing and implementing a strategy to navigate those situations with confidence and composure.

Step 1: Identify Your Tough Situations.

Grab a few sheets of paper. Take ten minutes and reflect on these questions. If anything comes to mind, please note it on your sheet.

• Who do you enjoy working with? 
• What behaviors or words do they use to make you feel that way? 
• What work situations do you enjoy participating in?
• Who bothers you at work? 
• What behaviors or words do they use to make you feel that way? 
• What situations bother you?

Step 2: Develop an “Enjoy/Dread” List.

Grab another sheet of paper and make two columns, one for the situations and people you enjoy and the other one for the situations and people you dread. Refer to what you’ve written down in your brainstorm list, and then sort them into the “Enjoy/Dread” list.  

Here’s my  Enjoy/Dread list:

Situations and People I Enjoy	Situations and People I Dread
Are coachable	Think they know everything
Are optimistic	Are pessimistic
Are trustworthy	Use words and actions that don’t match
Seek to find out how they can improve	Are complainers
Don’t blame others	Blame others for their situations
Are kind to other people, to marginalized groups, and to animals	Are disrespectful, insult people, and interrupt
Want a process	Want a quick fix
Are respectful of my time and efforts	Are late
Acknowledge the help and support of others	Are braggarts
Are solution-oriented	Don’t follow through on their commitments
Are problem-solvers	Are only out for the money

Step 3: Develop a Rescue Plan.

Develop a plan to mitigate the challenges you face whenever you find yourself in a “dread” situation. Consider what you can do to have a better outcome when such a situation occurs. 

Below are a few possible strategies:

• Block ten minutes of relaxation time before the interaction.
• Listen to your favorite music before the interaction.
• Identify a mantra to say when the “dreaded” behavior occurs.
• Move the interaction to a place or setting you prefer.
• Invite people you enjoy being around to participate in this interaction.

Step 4: Test Out Your Rescue Plan.

Consider your calendar over the next few weeks. Do you anticipate having a “dread” situation? If so, plan a field test of your rescue plan.

Step 5: Debrief.

How did it go? Do you need to change your tactics?

• What was the situation?
• What went well?
• What can you do differently next time?
• What was the biggest takeaway from your field test? 

Step 6: Develop a One-page Summary of Your Plan for Reference.

I like to keep a summary of my “dread” situations and my mitigation strategy for easy reference. Below is an example of how I plan and record my rescue plans.

Common Situations that Challenge Emotional Regulation.

There are numerous situations where emotional regulation is challenged. Here are a few where you might consider proactively using your mitigation strategy.

1. Dealing with Difficult People. Whether it’s a challenging employee, a demanding client, or a stubborn stakeholder, leaders often encounter difficult personalities. Regulating emotions helps leaders remain patient, empathetic, and diplomatic in their interactions.

Dealing with difficult people was the area where I needed the most help.

I had a problem with an engineer on my team.

I started to avoid him because every time I talked to him, I would leave the conversation annoyed and frustrated.

For almost any request for a new assignment or a change to an existing one, he launched into a brief but passionate soliloquy about how the plan wasn’t perfect.

He didn’t have a suggestion on how to make it better; he just had opinions on why it wasn’t perfect.

I talked to him directly about his behavior, but he didn’t seem willing or capable of changing. On the other hand, he always did what was asked of him, on time and with outstanding quality.

So I had a dilemma. 

Then I revisited the Poker Face Playbook.

I realized that he was a complainer. 

That explained why I was always so frustrated. 

Why complainers annoy me isn’t important. The important part was that once I framed my interactions with him as me listening to a complainer, I understood the reason why I was so frustrated. 

I also discovered something else when I paid attention to my interactions with him. 

He always started his complaint with the phrase “It is a pity that ….” 

After doing this exercise, whenever I heard that phrase, I took a deep breath. 

When he finished with his complaint, I would say, “Yes, it is a pity.” 

Then I moved on to the task at hand.

It was a win-win. 

I got through the discussions with ease, and he was happy that I increased my interactions with him.

2. Resolving Conflicts.  Leaders often encounter conflicts within teams or between individuals. Regulating emotions helps leaders remain calm and objective when facilitating discussions and finding resolutions.

3. Providing Feedback.  Providing constructive feedback can evoke strong emotions in both the giver and the receiver. Leaders need to regulate their emotions to deliver feedback in a way that is helpful and respectful, rather than reactive or defensive.

4. Managing Crises. During times of crisis, such as a financial downturn, a PR scandal, or a natural disaster, leaders must remain composed to make rational decisions and reassure their team and stakeholders.

5. Managing Change.  Introducing change within an organization can provoke resistance and uncertainty among employees. Leaders need to manage their emotions to convey confidence, empathy, and support throughout the change process.

6. Receiving Criticism. Leaders are often subject to criticism from various sources, including employees, peers, and superiors. Regulating emotions helps leaders receive criticism constructively, without becoming defensive or taking it personally.  Performance Reviews are a variation of receiving criticism. You can read my article on How to Get Value Out of Your Next Performance Review here.

7. Managing Personal Stress. Leaders, like anyone else, experience personal stressors that can impact their ability to lead effectively. Regulating emotions allows leaders to manage their stress level and prevent it from affecting their decision-making and interactions with others.

Like most habits, once you’ve practiced regulating your emotions you will get better at it. For me, I can identify potentially triggering situations and implement my mitigation strategies in a matter of a few minutes.

TL; DR

Managing emotions as a leader is important. The failure to do so can have far-reaching and detrimental effects on you as the leader and on your organization. I’ve struggled to manage my emotions, especially when dealing with difficult people.  It almost derailed my career. The Poker Face Playbook is the process I learned from my coach to help me keep my composure in difficult situations. I hope it will help you, too!