MEL #007 | 4 Techniques to Master Everyday Conversations for Engineering Success with Dr. Angelique Adams

ADAMS:

If you think that strong communication skills as an engineering leader means being good at speaking in front of an audience and being good at conveying complex technical concepts to non-technical people, you’d be right. And if you stop there, you’re missing the bigger picture. Often the most critical communication happens in hallway conversations, team and client discussions, and one-on-one meetings.

In this edition of the Mastering Engineering Leadership Tools and Tips series, I’m going to teach you how to navigate the nuances of conversations, like when to share facts versus opinions, how to adapt based on boundaries, and how active listening can diffuse conflicts or foster collaboration.

By the end of this episode, you’ll have tools you can apply immediately to improve understanding, collaboration, and trust.

Let’s start with why this topic is so critical for engineers. Conversation sits at the heart of teamwork, leadership, and customer and client interactions.

Leadership isn’t just about making decisions. It’s about inspiring others, resolving conflicts,

and articulating a vision that motivates the team to perform.

In engineering, you almost never work alone. Whether you’re collaborating with fellow engineers, technicians, or cross-functional teams, clear communication ensures that everyone understands their roles and works toward a common goal.

And we may also find ourselves being asked to

gather information on performance, usability, and other requirements.

And be the ones to train the clients on how to use, maintain, or troubleshoot the product or system we’ve developed.

Now that we understand why conversation is important, let’s talk about a foundational skill

that underpins effective conversation, active listening.

Active listening is about fully concentrating on what someone is saying, understanding their message, and responding thoughtfully. In engineering, miscommunications can lead to costly design flaws, delays, or strained relationships. By fully focusing on what others are saying, both verbally and nonverbally, you not only improve team collaboration, but also demonstrate respect, build trust, and encourage open dialogue.

Here are 10 strategies to help you improve your active listening skills.

Number one, focus. Stay present and avoid distractions. Now this is number one for a reason. It’s really the most important and oftentimes when you can reflect back on situations where you did not feel valued or heard, it’s very likely that the person you were talking to

was distracted and was not focused on you and you just felt like it was a huge waste of time. So as important as this is, it’s also pretty difficult to implement. We either have distractions going on inside our own minds or we have external distractions all around us. What I’d say to that is if you catch your mind wandering, take a breath, straighten up in your seat.

and notice your surroundings and then tune in again. You can always come back to the present and focus again on who you’re speaking with. Even if your mind wanders, it’s not a lost conversation, you can bring it back and refocus. Number two is relate. If you don’t know or care about the topic, look for associations from your experiences or those of others. Try to make it relevant.

Number three, write. Make notes to retain key details. Tell the person you’re speaking with why you’re writing and refer to your notes when you respond. Number four, repeat. To ensure that you’re following the story and hearing correctly, repeat in your own words what you heard. This is also known as paraphrasing. Number five, ask. If you want to know more or you think you may have missed something, ask them to repeat it

or to explain it. Ensure that you understand their meaning. And of course, when you ask a question, that also signals to your audience that you’re engaged and that you want to know more and that you’re listening. Number six, learn. When you have a different opinion or view of something, allow yourself to be teachable. Seek to understand things from a different perspective. This is where the natural curiosity of engineers really can work well,

number seven, be patient. Give the speaker time to fully express their thoughts.

If you don’t have a lot of time to engage in the conversation, it’s much better to say that upfront, to just say, hey, I only have 10 minutes. I’m sorry about that. Is that enough time to have this conversation? It’s much better to do that upfront than to spend most of the time in the conversation looking at your watch or tapping your foot or trying to hurry the person along.

Number eight, accept feedback. Take in constructive criticism without becoming defensive. Number nine, notice nonverbals. Pay attention to posture, facial expression, tone, pace, and other nonverbal communication. And number 10 is use your own nonverbal listening.

Things like nodding your head, smiling, and raising your eyebrows all give signals to your audience that you are paying close attention.

I want you to stop for a second and think about a time when you didn’t feel heard or valued. It’s happened to all of us. We go into a conversation with someone and we walk away feeling, wow, they just didn’t care about what I had to say, or they weren’t paying attention, or, wow, that was a huge waste of time. I’m never going to go talk to them again.

Now, as you think about that experience, I want you to reflect on these strategies. And I’m sure you will find that they were probably doing the opposite of what these suggestions are.

Active listening helps us pick up on both verbal and nonverbal cues, which is a key to recognizing and respecting boundaries, the next step in becoming a better communicator.

Boundaries protect everyone’s well-being in conversations. There are two main types of boundaries to consider, physical and emotional. Emotional boundaries include things like declining to share deeply personal information with coworkers or saying no when feeling overwhelmed. And physical boundaries include things like personal space, physical touch preferences and privacy. And I can tell you that when I lived in France, I really had to assert my physical touch preference. And by that, I mean my preference for handshakes over the double-cheek kiss. I really did try to adopt this very common etiquette in France, and I just couldn’t do it. I could do it in social settings. So for example, in my apartment.

I had some neighbors and every time I greeted them, we did the double cheek kiss, but I just could not get comfortable doing it at work. And so I didn’t. And so I just would thrust my hand out and shake hands with everyone. And that’s a very common thing to do as well. It was an international organization. so it was not like that was a strange thing to do.

It wasn’t everybody’s default. So people would come in for the kiss and I’d thrust my hand out. And that was just, it was a little bit awkward, but I just really could never get comfortable with it. And I decided it was much better for me to just assert my boundary than to find myself feeling uncomfortable for pretty much all day, every day at work.

Respecting boundaries ensures people feel comfortable, avoids misunderstandings, and fosters healthy, productive relationships. And once you’ve mastered listening and boundaries, the next step is understanding how to tailor the level of conversation to the context.

Different conversations require different depths of interaction. Here are the four levels of communication and when to use them.

So level one is small talk. This is a very basic surface level discussion with little disclosure and really no emotional content whatsoever. So this is like, hi, how are you? How’s the weather? Did you watch the game, et cetera.

Level two is sharing facts or resources. This is probably what we do most often, provide specific information like project schedules or meeting details.

Level three is sharing viewpoints or opinions. This is where you share more personal thoughts, but not necessarily emotional or intimate information. And level four is personal feelings. This is where you share your personal thoughts or your emotions.

These different levels have a different function in conversations.

So small talk, I don’t know if you’re like me, I’m not a huge fan of small talk, or I should say I used to not be a fan of small talk because I didn’t understand the point. It’s surface level, but in reality, small talk helps build rapport with colleagues and clients, creating a foundation for stronger relationships.

Level two, sharing facts or resources. It’s vital during technical discussions or project meetings to ensure accurate information is exchanged.

Level three Expressing viewpoints and opinions, this actually fosters innovation during brainstorming sessions or problem solving discussions.

level four, personal feelings can help humanize interactions and build deeper trust in long-term partnerships.

Using the wrong level can create discomfort or confusion. And so now that you know these four levels, the next logical question you may have is, all right, how do I know which level to use in which situation? And so here’s a couple of ways that you can help to identify which level you should be using. So first of all, assess the purpose. So why are you having the conversation?

Determine whether it’s to share information, brainstorm, or offer support. Next, observe the context. Consider the setting and the formality. Read the room. Pay attention to body language and engagement. Consider the relationship. Adjust the level of communication based on how well you know the person. mean, we’ve all been there where there’s the TMI, too much information. It typically happens when someone who you don’t know very well is sharing personal feelings.

and you can just tell that there’s a mismatch there and you feel uncomfortable. Listen for cues. So let the other person’s responses guide you. So I can always tell when I’m talking with another person who doesn’t care much about small talk, right? I work with coaching clients all of the time. And so we always, you know, start our meetings with, hi, how are you doing? And 75 % of my clients will be like, I’m fine. And then move immediately onto the agenda.

And then the other 25 % will start to tell me about their weekend or start to tell me what their kids are up to. And that is the cue for me to then also start to plan to respond with a little bit more meat to what’s been going on with me, so I can match their level of communication. And so that’s an example of how you can do that.

Now that you understand how to choose the right level of conversation, let’s talk about strategies in challenging situations.

do you ever delay having a difficult conversation with a colleague because you just don’t know how to approach it?

Difficult conversations are inevitable, but with the right approach, you can handle them effectively. And the approach I like to use is called prefacing. So prefacing means introducing or framing a statement, idea, or request with a little bit of additional context or qualifier. And what that does is it sets expectations. It helps the listener understand the purpose or tone of whatever’s going to come out of your mouth next. It can soften the impact of potentially sensitive or challenging topics. It prepares the listener and encourages focus on key points. And it builds empathy. You can show consideration for the listener’s perspective and sometimes even reduce defensiveness or misinterpretation.

here are five common scenarios of where prefacing can be useful, and here’s an example phrase that you could use to get started. So for example, if you need to disagree with someone, you can preface what you’re going to say with, have a different take based on my experience. And that’s a much softer way to say, I think you’re wrong, or I disagree with you.

The next scenario that can be a challenge is asking for help. And so you can say, it’s hard for me to ask for help, but I’m struggling with. And so that lets the person know, okay, they have a little bit of a challenge and they’re about to ask me for help. And then it can be receptive to whatever it is that you’re asking them for. The next is taking accountability. So if you made a mistake, you can simply say, I made a mistake.

please let me explain. that lets the person know you have something that you want to expand upon and you know that you did something wrong and you are hoping that they kind of let you get to the full explanation, let you get to the end of what you want to say. No guarantee that they will, but you’ve at least prepared them. One for, uh-oh, they did something wrong, they’re taking accountability for it, and…

They are asking for me to give them a little bit of grace and let them explain what happened. And then the last one is making amends. So if you know that you have done something wrong and you want to apologize, a preface could be, I know that I’ve let you down. What can I do to make it right?

So prefacing sets expectations, reduces misunderstandings, and fosters a smoother path for resolving difficult situations.

Today we focused on your everyday communications with your team, your peers, and your clients. By using the right level of communication, engineering leaders tailor their approach to the context while ensuring comfort by respecting boundaries. Active listening bridges gaps in understanding, ensuring that ideas, concerns, and input are valued and addressed effectively. Prefacing provides a roadmap for conversations, guiding others through complex topics with clarity and precision.

And these techniques collectively foster a culture of respect, collaboration, and understanding, allowing engineers to navigate their diverse situations and relationships effectively.

Now it’s up to you. What’s one communication strategy from today’s episode that you can start using immediately?